However, from time to time, we do have actual investigators, and on those Sundays, I feel the need to accomplish a few main goals: First, I want to knock their socks off, so to speak–I want them to come away from Sunday school uplifted, inspired, and feeling like they had a meaningful experience in a Mormon meeting. Second, I want them to walk away from the class feeling like they personally contributed something to the lesson or discussion. Lastly, I want them to not be completely and utterly lost because of a lesson that was given out of order with what the missionaries have been teaching. These goals are all closely related, and difficult to accomplish if the lessons come from a manual or are based on material which is completely foreign to them. I believe that participation is key to feeling the Spirit, and the less familiar the material being presented is, the less comfortable a visitor is likely to feel about speaking up and sharing their own thoughts. While there is certainly a strong temptation to “wow” new investigators with the great and fascinating and true doctrines of the Restoration, if an investigator is approaching the Church with a sense of suspicion, hesitation, or fear (as is, frankly, often the case), delivering a mind-blowing sermon on the meaning of the temple might actually blow their mind–but not in the desired way. In this situation, presenting lessons which are less “new” and less focused on helping an investigator learn the required information for baptism may actually help alleviate their concerns about the Church, which alleviation may ultimately pave the road for a humbler and more open heart and mind.

Naturally, there is danger in designing lessons which stay away from some of the more unique LDS doctrines: If we present only what investigators or visitors already know, or push too hard for the comfortable feelings of common ground, then we run the risk of failing to demonstrate the added value living prophets, additional scripture, and an open canon bring to lived religion and our eternal outlook. Similarly, if we eschew the spicier doctrines too much, we risk appearing as if we’re hiding them or apologizing for them.

In any case, I wanted to post this quasi-post/comment now, and will then post how I felt like all of the goals were accomplished in the first attempt at this a couple of weeks ago, and challenges going forward at a later date.

About a week and a half ago (a week ago Monday), shortly after my lunch break at work, I felt some mild pressure–nothing spectacular, but just a subtle call for freedom. I had some small tasks to finish up, but around 1:30 PM I left my desk and strolled out of my office and made my way to the restroom on the 7th floor of the building.

Since neither stall was occupied, I took the pleasure of entering the one with wheelchair access. More leg room, see.

I did my business, and although I felt a little bit lighter on my feet and my slacks were a little bit more comfortable, I didn’t really appreciate what exactly had come to pass until I glanced downward at the toilet as I was reaching to press the flush-lever. As my eyes beheld the ridiculous girth of my deposit, I knew–KNEW–that flushing was a bad idea. You see, I had produced a Big Boy.

And yet, I flushed anyway.

As predictable as a geyser in Yellowstone, the water level rose. It turned yellowish-brown. Then, the swirling slowed and the mixture took on a burnt sienna tone. As the sludgy stew continued to rise in its porcelain container, the scraps of toilet paper began surfacing, blending their off-white hues with the brown, threatening to spill over the top of the seat. My heart began to race, but at the last second, the rising tide of sewage was stayed, and the swirl came to a complete stop.

So I left. What else could I do? I was wearing work clothes and I don’t have a plunger in my office anyway. I got back to my computer, and consulted with a friend who suggested just letting it soak for a while. So that’s what I did. I pushed it out of my mind for the rest of the afternoon, and didn’t think about it again until the next afternoon when, shortly after lunch, I felt that gentle urging once again.

As I returned to the scene of the crime, I thought to myself, “Surely someone else in this building has used the toilet since me…surely it just cleared up nicely after a good soak…surely the restroom won’t reek of my misdeeds…”

Alas. What I saw in the restroom would horrify even the most manly of men; the toilet indeed had been flushed–multiple times based on the evidence I could see–but nothing had “cleared up” in the slightest. Instead, the liquids had drained down, leaving the entire surface area covered in a thick layer of dried poop and shredded tissue paper. In a moment of bold recklessness, I tried flushing it again, and turned and ran as the hideous remains roared to life on the wings of putrid poop-water.

Walking back to my office, having found a different restroom to use, I knew that the proper course of action was to call building maintenance. But I didn’t.

———————–

UPDATE: Today (Thursday), after a week and a half of being out of commission, the stall was open again for business.

Best Cereals: Sugary

1. Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries (though I actually like all the Cap’n Crunch varieties)
2. Corn Pops
3. Sugar Bear (Golden Crisp, Honey Smacks, whatever)
4. Cinnamon Toast Crunch
5. Honey Comb

Best Cereals: Mild/Non-Sugary

1. Frosted Mini-Wheats
2. Corn Flakes
3. Cinnamon Life
4. Grape Nuts
5. Kirkland (Costco) Raisin Bran

Worst Cereals

1. Crispix (Only because of a traumatic experience from childhood–I used to love these)
2. Kix
3. Wheetabix

California welfare cards can be used in many casino ATMs

Times review finds that in more than half of the state’s casinos and gaming rooms, welfare recipients can get cash from state-issued EBT cards. Officials say they’re moving to block such transactions.

This reminds me a little bit of stories I’ve always heard about students at BYU using their “Dining Plus” cards for basically anything they wanted on campus.

“This training will include what does and does not constitute reasonable suspicion that a person is not legally present in the United States…Racial profiling is illegal. It is illegal in America, and it’s certainly illegal in Arizona.”
-Arizona Governor Jan Brewer

Training? Training will stop racism racial profiling dead in its tracks?

Sigh.

Every year, I work myself up into a frenzy of anxiety and excitement for this single day–this one, single day–when my beloved Utah State Aggies will be on the national stage, fighting for the right to call themselves that year’s Cinderella story, invariably matched up against a foe bigger, stronger, and more athletic than them. Seemingly every year, I watch in constant angst, with a knot in my stomach for 20, 30, or, like last year, even 40 minutes before realizing that the dream is not to be, and I walk away, turning off the TV or closing the web browser heartbroken and disappointed as the Ags are bounced in the first round by a superior opponent.

Every year, I tell myself that I’m not going to care. I’m not going to get myself emotionally attached this time. I’m not going to watch. I’m not going to scan every box score from November to March. I’m not going to don a USU hoodie in my office on game day. I’m not going to care.

But it’s all a lie, and we mid-major fans know it’s a lie: We care. We tell ourselves that we’re happy with just a conference championship, or just a postseason tournament birth, or just a winning record–but again, it’s a lie. There is no hope of winning the Whole Show, and we know this–we really do. Still, there is another hope and desire, burning in the heart of every true-blooded Aggie:

We want to be giant killers.

We want to be the reason that ESPN, Sports Illustrated, and everyone else displays an enormous picture of players from Georgetown, Duke, Texas, or whatever powerhouse it is, sobbing in shock over an unexpected loss to the “little guy.” When sports writers and pundits discuss next year’s tournament field, we want to hear them say things like, “Who will be this year’s Utah State?” and “We all remember what happened last year with USU.” We want to be Cinderella.

My dear Aggies, I don’t expect that you’ll beat Texas A&M a few hours from now. I didn’t expect that you’d beat Marquette, Washington, Arizona, Kansas, UCLA, or Ohio State, either. Nevertheless, for 40 minutes of game time today, I will ignore that expectation, and annoy the living daylights out of my coworkers with every basket (“USU leads 3-2! Upset brewing, folks!”). Come on Aggies! Slay the dragon, just this one time! After all, if the only team in America that is more white and more Mormon than USU managed to win a game, surely we can do them one better.

Show me a Scotsman,
Who doesn’t love the thistle.
Show me an English man,
Who doesn’t love the rose.
Show me a true blooded
Aggie from Utah,
Who doesn’t love the spot . . .
Where the sagebrush grows!

I learned at Stake Priesthood leadership meeting that we can increase our spirituality by gleaning insights from the biographies of BYU football players.

I also learned that you shouldn’t make gagging noises during Stake Priesthood leadership meeting if the bishop is sitting behind you.

(Vomit)

As is so often the case, Utah State’s basketball team emerged victorious in their early-season matchup with BYU–the final margin was only 10 points, but having watched the game, it wasn’t that close. On that early December evening, there was no question who the better team was by the time the final buzzer sounded, and the previously-undefeated Cougars walked off the court in sorrow and BYU fans immediately began littering Facebook with explanations and apologies for why the Cougars lost.

(This is in keeping with BYU Fan Rule #1: No BYU fan shall ever admit that any athletic team representing BYU on the field of competition, has been defeated fairly or was outplayed by a superior opponent. All losses shall be attributed to a) poor officiating, b) untimely injuries to key players, or c) dirty play on the part of the opponents.)

But then, a couple of funny things happened. USU lost a bunch of games, and BYU kept winning. Mere weeks after their victory over BYU, the Aggies were staring at a record of 8-6, while BYU was in the middle of a winning streak that would eventually reach 15 games and earn the Cougars a (brief) Top 10 national ranking. This was hard for me to swallow, I must confess. Seeing my beloved Aggies lose to the likes of Long Beach State and Northeastern was a painful experience, and I have struggled through a state of denial and depression for much of the cold, dark, Southern California winter.

However, the God of Sports would not withhold His Warming Hand forever. No, following an ugly 22-point drubbing at the hands of Louisiana Tech, a switch was flipped, and the Aggies started winning. And winning. And winning.

And now, with only a handful of regular season games left before the WAC Tournament and Selection Sunday looming on the horizon, my Aggies have constructed a winning streak of their own–now at 11 games, and improved their record to a respectable 21-6 mark. More importantly, USU’s RPI has improved steadily since the terrible start, and sits at #36 as of today. Indeed, the Aggies have even convinced the national media to start paying attention to them again, and are now found in their annual anxiety-inducing slot on ESPN.com’s Bubble Watch. Which brings me back to the point of this post. According to the recent edition of Bubble Watch,

The Aggies have won 11 games in a row to climb into the NCAA at-large bubble discussion, but they have absolutely no margin for error down the stretch. The Aggies have one big feather in their cap: a 71-61 victory over BYU at home on Dec. 2.

You see, USU’s win over BYU represents that oh-so-important victory over an RPI 1-25 team, which the Selection Committee always cares about so much. However, BYU’s current RPI is only 20 right now, and a single loss before the MWC Tournament could possibly push that RPI into 26-50 territory, with Utah State’s NCAA odds being the collateral damage.

So, Brigham Young University, here we are. I am standing before you now, pleading with you, begging you, and promising not to laugh at BYU coed jokes for at least a month: Just keep on winning. A win for you is a win for me. My Ag’s SOS (currently 84) and RPI standing will rise with every additional victory you pick up. I am not naive. I know that you know that my lips are fertile with treachery when it comes to BYU athletics, and we both know that the second Selection Sunday passes, I will do all in my power to ensure your quick and shameful demise in the NCAA Tournament. I will mock you. I will curse you. I will taunt people in my congregation who graduated from your slimy halls. I will probably even push the BYU-Aladdin Song post to the front of this blog on the date of your first round game.

But, for the next 3 weeks, I will sell my soul. I will be your friend.

________________________

1. I have flown to Finland 5 times in my life, and my luggage has been lost or screwed up on 3 of those occasions. This was the first time it happened in the middle of a freezing-butt cold stretch in Winter.

2. This is the first time I have returned to Finland since my mission where I have not been asked to speak in church. I am very grateful for this.

3. Sauna is even better than I remember.

4. Cigarette smoke stench on old people in Finland is different than cigarette stench on old people in the US. It has a slightly more stale and bitter twist to it, but less overpowering. I remember noticing this 10 years ago, but had forgotten.

6. Finland is beautiful when there is a fresh blanket of snow on the ground in the midst of the winter darkness that otherwise seems so all-encompassing and impenetrable.

7. There are several things that make a trip to Finland completely worth it–even when it’s been below freezing every minute of my time here: Valio’s Banana yogurt, watching children sing the Tip-Tap Tip-Tap song before Santa Claus comes, candlelit cemeteries on Christmas, and Budapests.

More to come…

________________________