Dead Seriously.

Dear Scott,
How are you doing these days? The posting seems a little eratic, a little snarky, a little single-faceted, and, well…subpar. Please try harder.
-A Loyal Reader

Dear Loyal Reader,

Thanks for your concern. I’m okay, I guess. I’m lying through my teeth. I’m not okay. My upcoming CFA examination is causing major league burnout, stress, and a general sense of hopelessness and irritability. I think a rash has developed. I don’t think I’m going to pass, and mustering up the motivation to keep studying is difficult. Maybe a miracle will take place, but I’m predicting a disaster–just too little time and too many distractions (not all of which were bad). I am not sure how my ego will handle this blow. Read more…

…aren’t these things supposed to make money?

Since I started work at Nathan, I’ve received a couple of regularly scheduled earnings losses statements. For the past quarter, I’m down -2.99%, and for the year I’m down -6.93%. Sounds like a great place to work–get paid without producing.*

It reminds me of Rite-Aid, Sav-On, and CVS–a group of pharmacies, whose group motto could be something like “We Just Ran Out”. It doesn’t matter what prescription drug I ask them for–they don’t have it. Honestly, I swear that Target is only pharmacy in all of Orange County that actually fulfills the single justification of its existence: stocking medicine. This reminds me of the opening pages of Atlas Shrugged, where the assistant in Eddie Willers‘ office complains about how it’s impossible to get a decent typewriter these days. Perhaps Atlas is shrugging.

How did I get from my 401(k) to pharmacies?

*I know that the US economy is seriously crap-tastic of late. It is possible that my investment firm is actually producing wonderfully, and that my losses would be considerably higher with all the other guys. But I doubt it.

Please forgive this moment of indulgence, but I thought it was time that I put up a post about what exactly I do at work. The reasoning here is that a) I’ve been asked this question by a lot of people, b) I’m in serious need of self-validation, and c) it’s kind of a slow day at work and I’m bored.

I am an economist at a small consulting firm, which is a company that has been primarily located on the east coast, but recently opened an office Irvine. The office in which I work has only 5 employees, and most (say, 80%) of our work deals with Intellectual Property Rights valuations (the rest is related to antitrust issues). The bachelor and I continually (and effectively) annoy the rest of the office by referring to ourselves as “The Center”.

So what does this all mean? In short, when a company (A) produces some product, many parts of it are patented, trademarked, or otherwise “owned”. Suppose another company (B) makes a similar product, and A is convinced that B’s product infringes on A’s patents/trademarks. A sues B for lost profits. Because lawyers know nothing about math, they hire economists (such as myself, as opposed to the stuffy academic types) to provide estimates of said profits. (Sometimes we’re hired by B instead of A. In that case, we do our darndest to show that, among other things, the patented part of the chair that B copied was of little or no value and didn’t contribute to the profits of the chair.)

Most of my work involves going through spreadsheets, performing calculations, writing expert reports, and digging through court depositions for little bits of info that can be used to make our case. An important part of our analysis is a hefty helping of ad hominem attacks on the opposing expert (typically a CPA). “He’s from Nebraska!”, “Her name is an orange soda in Germany!” and “How do you take anyone whose last name is “xxxxxxx” seriously?” are all acceptable forms of derision.

After all of this information is compiled, we prepare reports that are then used in court to provide estimates of damages. Often the cases we work on settle before going to court, in which case all of our work goes unused (but we still get paid, of course!).

Is that an attorney or real estate investor in there?

Working a regular work day is a new thing to me. I was in school for so many years that it’s difficult to remember the last time I had to keep regular hours. While I dislike certain aspects of the lifestyle, I try to find humor and happiness in small things. One bright spot is the box of fresh fruit delivered by The Fruit Guys every Tuesday morning that my coworkers and I munch on all week. Another is the public restroom we share with several other firms who coexist with us on the 8th floor of my office building. It has very nice smelling soap in the dispensers and the stalls are slightly larger than most I’ve seen–comfort loos.

Recently, though, I’ve noticed something funny: Whenever I enter a stall, the occupants of the adjacent stalls (which are almost always in use) immediately freeze up–no sound (squeaks, rustles, grunties, flushies), no motion, nothing. Invariably, despite my later arrival, I leave first. Honestly, if I were to break open the next stall door, I’ll bet I’d find a middle-aged businessman in an Armani suit quivering atop the john in an effort to escape undetected. My coworker confirmed that he has also noticed this uncomfortable silence on the pot. Are we the only people who are not embarrassed by our use of a toilet? Do we not all go there for the same reason? Or should the privy be just that?

Today, upon entering an empty stall, I could feel the tension mount as the fellow through the wall on my right went into lock down and ceased all operations (breathing included). I tried to lighten the mood a bit with some humming and whistling–standard bathroom fare–but the man would not be moved. As the moments passed and the silence grew heavy I was almost overcome with the urge to bang my hands on the wall and yell “BOO!”. Probably would have scared the…wait for it now… crap out of him!

There was a guy in the elevator on my way to work this morning that had, arguably, the worst case of belt butt (tightening your belt above the waistline resulting in a protruding rear end) I’ve ever seen.

When I mentioned this to my coworker who happens to be from Texas, he said, “In Texas, we just called that ‘wearing pants’.”

I think it’s called that in the areas surrounding my home town of Preston, ID (like, say, Banida), too.