“Slider…(sniff)…You Stink.”
Because the internet community is always so helpful, perhaps someone out there will be able to provide me with a solution to a most vexing problem: My sweat smells worse than it used to.
I run frequently and, like most people, I sweat when doing so. As I run upwards of 4-5 times each week, I try to mitigate my contribution to the weekly laundry pile by wearing the same shirt/shorts combination multiple times between washings. Sure, I will admit that this might be a little gross, but I’ve always justified it because
1) I usually run alone outside; it’s not like I’m stinking up 24-Hour Fitness
2) These clothes are never used for anything else
After working out, I place these clothes in a different pile than the rest of our laundry (by “different pile“, I mean “somewhere on the floor in the bathroom or bedroom“) , so that whoever happens to do the laundry (by “whoever“, I mean “my wife“) will not wash them until Saturday afternoon. Such has been my modus operandi for the past several years.
In recent months, however, I’ve noticed that my workout clothes seem to stink worse than they used to. This has caused some uncomfortable situations for me, as I’ve departed from my lone-runner path and started running regularly with some other fellows. The shirt was so nasty a few days ago that I tried rubbing a deodorant stick around the inside of the shirt before leaving to meet my running partner. Unfortunately, the result was a nasty odor combo arguably worse than plain sweat. Panicking, I sprayed the whole thing with our bathroom air freshener and made for the doorway before my wife could catch a whiff. Although my friend didn’t say anything, I’m certain he was curious as to why I reeked of stinky sweat and cucumber-melons and Clix.
You might be thinking that the problem is that I leave my sweaty clothes on the floor where they don’t have time to dry properly. That kind of sloppy logic goes nowhere though, because it fails to explain why this phenomenon has only recently come up. Moreover, the stench begins immediately after the run, not days later. As an illustration, last night after my run (in a freshly-washed shirt), the second I stepped inside, my wife turned immediately and said, “You stink!”
So has my sweat actually gotten stinkier? Is this something to do with age? Is it something I’m eating? Why doesn’t this affect my other clothes (seriously, folks–we all sweat a little bit on a daily basis)? I’ve come up with a few possible causes:
1. Awesomeness smells bad. My awesomeness has been steadily increasing, whilst household income, marital status, and my mother’s maiden name have remained mostly constant. If awesomeness stinks, then higher concentration of it would cause my perspiration, and consequently, my running clothes, to stink. The problem with this theory is that only 
my running clothes seem to stink. Increasing awesomeness would likely cause all of my other clothes to stink, too.
2. Clothes have a limited resistance to odor-memory. Because I wear the same shirt running every time, perhaps continued exposure to powerful (and arguably awesome) sweat glands has, over time, decreased the ability of my shirt to shed its odors through the use of laundry detergent. However, if this were the case, then obviously the shirt would stink right after washing. And what could we say of socks? They should always stink under this hypothesis.
3. My wife is poisoning me–very carefully and very slowly–with something that makes my sweat stink. Of course, her goal is not to kill me. On the contrary, her plan would be to make me become so disgusted with my own sweat that I’ll stop leaving my running clothes on the floor. Because there are several items in the house that only I eat (PB, mac&cheese, chocolate cereal), there are several easy targets.
So what are my options? Do I do more frequent (and costly*) laundry? Do I assume the worst and begin picking up after myself? Do I purchase higher quality odor-destroyers? Do I bathe in Certain-Dri and avoid the whole sweat-thing altogether? Do I purchase a new shirt? Do I stop running altogether?
*More water & energy consumption. I recently had an epiphany in which I realized I could sort of “wash” my shirt by leaving it on when I got in the shower. Then after soaping it up with normal hand soap for a moment, I could rinse it, wring it, and hang it over the shower to dry before continuing with my normal shower. The downside of this is that anyone who has seen Arrested Development might confuse me for a never-nude.
I’m not a big follower of the world occupied by Katy Perry or her father, Pastor Keith Hudson, but something from that universe caught my attention this week.
In my office the other day, we were all debating breakfast cereals during lunch. Here are my lists:
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