Dead Seriously.

Hint: For once, it’s not Utah State. Read more…

GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

California often gives me reasons to be proud, but this one may be a contender for the upper echelon of awesome:

California welfare cards can be used in many casino ATMs

Times review finds that in more than half of the state’s casinos and gaming rooms, welfare recipients can get cash from state-issued EBT cards. Officials say they’re moving to block such transactions.

This reminds me a little bit of stories I’ve always heard about students at BYU using their “Dining Plus” cards for basically anything they wanted on campus.

This is life for fans from small-time schools like Utah State University without the resources, the tradition, or the sexiness required to obtain the recruits, sponsors, media attention, or in many cases, simply the confidence that enable teams to rise above the haze into that elite class of schools with a legitimate shot at glory. Read more…

As reported by my brother:

I learned at Stake Priesthood leadership meeting that we can increase our spirituality by gleaning insights from the biographies of BYU football players.

I also learned that you shouldn’t make gagging noises during Stake Priesthood leadership meeting if the bishop is sitting behind you.

Yes, it is that time of year. Despite all of my principles and the excellent training my parents provided me with as a child, I will spend the next few weeks of my life cheering for BYU.

(Vomit)

As is so often the case, Utah State’s basketball team emerged victorious in their early-season matchup with BYU–the final margin was only 10 points, but having watched the game, it wasn’t that close. On that early December evening, there was no question who the better team was by the time the final buzzer sounded, and the previously-undefeated Cougars walked off the court in sorrow and BYU fans immediately began littering Facebook with explanations and apologies for why the Cougars lost.

(This is in keeping with BYU Fan Rule #1: No BYU fan shall ever admit that any athletic team representing BYU on the field of competition, has been defeated fairly or was outplayed by a superior opponent. All losses shall be attributed to a) poor officiating, b) untimely injuries to key players, or c) dirty play on the part of the opponents.)
Read more…

I have been informed that a first helping of yours truly is now available on By Common Consent. More posts will follow during the next week.

As an aside, I think it fitting that the post on BCC immediately preceding my own is the merciless skewering of a BYU student. And I thought I was mean.

An email exchange between myself, a Mormon Utah State Aggie, and an ex-Mormon Texas A&M Aggie discussing the theological implications of today’s wonderful result.

Read more…

I have been informed that I failed to make good on a promise–I had said that I would re-post the audio to the BYU-Aladdin song that I heard on PMS a while back (read this post if you need a reminder), since the file I linked to then has been removed from Youtube. I said I would take a vote, and since only 2 people voted, the audio goes up. We’ll see how long my fragile conscience survives and I decide to take it down for being too mean.

I think re-posting this will qualify as the “really bad thing” that makes me deserving of having my site banned by BYU (which, by the way, is still in force. I’m so proud.)

Am I a bad person if I post a link the audio of the BYU fanboy singing that travesty of a song, now that the video has been taken off of YouTube?

Part of me wants to, because I hate BYU, and love making fun of it. And because the song is hilarious. And because the commentary by PMS is also hilarious.

Part of me would feel bad, because I don’t like making fun of individuals (institutions are exempt). And because the song is embarrassing. And because the commentary by PMS is really mean.

I could count the votes…

UPDATE (March 9, 2009): Reposted HERE

…to study, and then it’s all over. The list of things I want/need/have to do after the exam is over on Saturday afternoon is frighteningly long.

I haven’t so much as peeked at any news, sports, or much as anything else for nearly two weeks. Anything interesting happen out there?

I did notice that the dude who made the BYU-Aladdin song took it off YouTube. I have the audio on my computer, so I could put that up…maybe not.

UPDATE (March 9, 2009): Reposted HERE

(I’m not doing a very good job of sticking to my promise.)

Tonight while I was driving to the grocery store, I turned on the radio to AM 570, which is the home of one of my favorite sports talk radio shows–PMS. When I adjusted the volume, I could hear some familiar piano music and some screeching vocals, but it was hard to tell exactly what the music was, because Petros and Money were laughing hysterically. Finally, I heard enough to realize what it was: A guy singing about the glorious institution that is Brigham Young University* to the tune of “Prince Ali” from Aladdin. Read more…

(FYI–I’m a USU alum)

It will not be a battle in Logan tonight, as the BYU Cougars face a Craptastic State squad that is determined to prove it still deserves to be considered the planet’s worst college football team.

For many teams, the negative momentum from an embarrassing victory over Idaho would be carried further by the fact that this is a home game. However, for Craptastic State, this means nothing: I personally guarantee that there will be no more than a couple hundred* Aggie fans in the stadium, and those who are there will likely just show up to protest BYU’s apparent theft of a USU player while he’s on an LDS mission. Fear not, BYU players–these obviously misinformed protestors will leave before halftime, and you’ll be able to sit back and relax with a hard-earned sense of moral superiority for the rest of the game.**

BYU will score early and often, and probably won’t stop. Craptastic State, on the other hand, will realize midway through the opening kickoff that they have no chance of winning, and will opt instead to see how many “unneccessary roughness” penalties they can accumulate. After the 1st quarter, Captain Craptastic himself–head coach Brent Guy–will begin practicing his oft-repeated explanations: “We just made too many mistakes!” and “We just didn’t execute!” and “We just didn’t play 4 full quarters!” among others. He will not, however, mention that he is clueless as a coach, his talent is sub-sub-prime, and that the USU Intramural runners-up were victorious over his starters in a scrimmage last Wednesday.

As the 3rd quarter comes to a close, the USU Athletic Department will determine that another ticket price increase is just the thing to get more local fans into the stadium. Finally, in a good-faith effort to make sure that all the BYU fans will be home in time to get a good night’s sleep before General Conference, the 4th quarter will be cancelled.

My Prediction: Craptastic State enters the game as a 29 point underdog. In my estimation, this is a serious, serious underestimate. By virtue of excess cheating*** BYU will be forced to play up against their own goal line a couple of times, resulting in Craptastic’s only points.
Final Score: BYU 103, USU 4

*This is also a rough estimate of the number of geezer BYU fans with big guts, unnaturally small waists, and “Lavell for President” hoodies who will be in attendance.
**A common way of assuaging their guilt will be to repeatedly emphasize how the game is being played on Friday, so as to not interfere with General Conference. This demonstrates clearly that BYU is morally superior, and thus not subject to recruiting ethics or other nonsense.
***BYU is historically known for having lots of penalties. The Aggies are not known so much for “lots of penalties,” but rather, “lots of stupid penalties.”

Say it ain’t so. This is absolutely the worst possible combination of teams I can envision. *sigh*

Read this if the above statement doesn’t make sense to you.

Ultimately the criteria I had set in place for participants in the blessing were a resounding failure. I caved in massive fashion–there were multiple BYU-grads, Romney voters, and perhaps a few people who couldn’t pronounce my wife’s name properly.

Oh well.

In the LDS Church, it is customary to give a newborn a blessing and “name” (just their, uhh, name) before the congregation* on or about the first Sunday of the month (Fast Sunday) after the baby is born. Typically, the father of the child performs this blessing, with the Bishop, as well as other individuals the family invites–perhaps relatives, close friends, etc.

I am blessing our baby girl this coming Sunday, and so I’ve been thinking about this issue a fair amount lately.

–I am a very private person, as is my wife, when it comes to family issues, and so a large part of me wants to do the blessing quietly in my home with no one else around.
–Even if the blessing is public, I still prefer less to more–how do you make a cut without offending people? (Mormons are so competitive…seriously)
–Home Teachers are common invitees, but not automatic. What if you dislike one of them (we love ours)? Can you invite one, but not the other?
–What about asymmetric relationships? In other words, what about those folks who think they’ll be asked, but are not? What if someone asked you to be in their baby blessing? Are you obligated to return the request?
–What about the post-blessing lunch? Are all folks invited? Or just those who traveled great distances (which means what, exactly? From outside the congregation? The State? The Religion itself!?!)?

When I blessed our first child, we were moving out of the congregation the following week, and since we were more or less the senior citizens of a student ward (very high turnover), there were only about 4 people we knew anyway. So, with Dad & Brother in tow, I invited all men with a name starting with “J” to participate–John, Jory, Jason, Jerome, etc**.

Since there is no set criteria–outside of holding the Priesthood and being “worthy” (no secret drug or porn habits, pay tithing, etc…), I’ve decided to create my own list of musts for anyone to be included in my blessing circle:

1. You never attended BYU, and neither will your children. Ever. Ever, ever, ever.
2. If you did attend BYU, then you must repent now, and actively cheer against BYU with all your heart, might, mind and soul. Forever. And ever. And ever.
3. You did not vote for Mitt Romney for President***
4. You did not harbor secret hopes and dreams that Mitt would be the VP selection
5. You know the capital of Finland
6. You can properly pronounce the first and middle names of my wife and two children
7. You confess that D-Will could run silly circles around CP3–any time, any place.

Meet these requirements, and consider yourself welcome!

*Sometimes this is done at home or in the congregation of a relative–say, for example, the congregation a person group up in and in which several family members still live.
**And my friend Dan, but it made for a better story to omit him above. I actually only know one person named Jerome. He lives in Finland, and his dad is a spy. Seriously.
***I’ll make an exception to this one if you can provide documentation proving that you actually–truly, deep down in your heart–liked his political agenda and weren’t just giddy about the idea of a Mormon in the White House.