Dead Seriously.

Hint: For once, it’s not Utah State. Read more…

GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is life for fans from small-time schools like Utah State University without the resources, the tradition, or the sexiness required to obtain the recruits, sponsors, media attention, or in many cases, simply the confidence that enable teams to rise above the haze into that elite class of schools with a legitimate shot at glory. Read more…

As reported by my brother:

I learned at Stake Priesthood leadership meeting that we can increase our spirituality by gleaning insights from the biographies of BYU football players.

I also learned that you shouldn’t make gagging noises during Stake Priesthood leadership meeting if the bishop is sitting behind you.

Yes, it is that time of year. Despite all of my principles and the excellent training my parents provided me with as a child, I will spend the next few weeks of my life cheering for BYU.

(Vomit)

As is so often the case, Utah State’s basketball team emerged victorious in their early-season matchup with BYU–the final margin was only 10 points, but having watched the game, it wasn’t that close. On that early December evening, there was no question who the better team was by the time the final buzzer sounded, and the previously-undefeated Cougars walked off the court in sorrow and BYU fans immediately began littering Facebook with explanations and apologies for why the Cougars lost.

(This is in keeping with BYU Fan Rule #1: No BYU fan shall ever admit that any athletic team representing BYU on the field of competition, has been defeated fairly or was outplayed by a superior opponent. All losses shall be attributed to a) poor officiating, b) untimely injuries to key players, or c) dirty play on the part of the opponents.)
Read more…

An email exchange between myself, a Mormon Utah State Aggie, and an ex-Mormon Texas A&M Aggie discussing the theological implications of today’s wonderful result.

Read more…

The best thing about Utah State finally being in the Top 25 Rankings is that it’s easier for me to find out how the latest game is going. In the old days, it was a painfully long process like this:

ESPN.com –> NCAA Basketball –> Scoreboard –> All Scores –> Search for the Aggies among dozens of others.

Now, the process is much simpler:

ESPN.com –> NCAA Basketball –> Scoreboard.

I’m so glad football season is over. Go Aggies.

Look, people, I didn’t want to write about this. Honestly, it’s just not worth my time. But you’ve made me. I finally realized today that I need to nip this in the bud right now when a good friend–who knows better, or at least should know better– sent me an email suggesting that there might actually be a glimmer of light at the end of that dark, hellish tunnel known as Utah State football.

Let me explain this very clearly in small words that any USU grad can understand*: The Craptastic State football team is not good. The Craptastic State football team never will be good. If the Craptastic State football team played basketball, we would call them the Los Angeles Clippers. Read more…

…for being so happy that one man lost his job? If so, then in this case, I will gladly accept that judgment.

It’s important to keep a historical perspective on this sort of thing. Lots of Craptastic State fans will tell you that we need to get a coach who will improve the W/L ratio. While I would certainly be happy if the Gags got a few more victories, the reality is that they’ve had a grand total of 3 non-losing seasons in my lifetime. I don’t–nor does any USU fan with a grasp of history–expect lots of winning seasons, bowl games, or victories over Utah and BYU. They’ve never done those things.* What they DID do in the past was play entertaining football–games where they would lose 38-35 on a regular basis. Under Brent Guy, who has basically two plays in the book (a quarterback keeper and a handoff up the middle), the losses have been more like 24-3 and 58-10. It has been very, very boring. Read more…

I know it’s getting a little bit crazy with two Finlanders in the News posts in a row, but this is so worthy:

The folks presiding over the DVD-release of Little House on the Prairie in Finland decided it was too costly to submit it for a rating review, and thus all copies of the series were given the Adults-only rating of K-18 (“Banned for under 18-year olds”). (more here)
Since Merlin Olsen is one of the supporting cast members, does this make him a Mormon adult-film star?

There has never been a team who so can so consistently snatch defeat from the jaws of victory as my very own Craptastic State Aggies. I’m impressed–after nearly 30 years of watching this train wreck of a football team, I didn’t think they could manufacture such a gut-wrenching choke-job.

My favorite bit from the Deseret News was this:

“…the Aggies needed to prove something to themselves and the 14,071 fans who came out for the homecoming game.” (full text here)

Seriously. 14,000 fans for homecoming. Seriously.

So my prediction was a bit off. No harm done–the Gags are back in the Bottom 10.

(FYI–I’m a USU alum)

It will not be a battle in Logan tonight, as the BYU Cougars face a Craptastic State squad that is determined to prove it still deserves to be considered the planet’s worst college football team.

For many teams, the negative momentum from an embarrassing victory over Idaho would be carried further by the fact that this is a home game. However, for Craptastic State, this means nothing: I personally guarantee that there will be no more than a couple hundred* Aggie fans in the stadium, and those who are there will likely just show up to protest BYU’s apparent theft of a USU player while he’s on an LDS mission. Fear not, BYU players–these obviously misinformed protestors will leave before halftime, and you’ll be able to sit back and relax with a hard-earned sense of moral superiority for the rest of the game.**

BYU will score early and often, and probably won’t stop. Craptastic State, on the other hand, will realize midway through the opening kickoff that they have no chance of winning, and will opt instead to see how many “unneccessary roughness” penalties they can accumulate. After the 1st quarter, Captain Craptastic himself–head coach Brent Guy–will begin practicing his oft-repeated explanations: “We just made too many mistakes!” and “We just didn’t execute!” and “We just didn’t play 4 full quarters!” among others. He will not, however, mention that he is clueless as a coach, his talent is sub-sub-prime, and that the USU Intramural runners-up were victorious over his starters in a scrimmage last Wednesday.

As the 3rd quarter comes to a close, the USU Athletic Department will determine that another ticket price increase is just the thing to get more local fans into the stadium. Finally, in a good-faith effort to make sure that all the BYU fans will be home in time to get a good night’s sleep before General Conference, the 4th quarter will be cancelled.

My Prediction: Craptastic State enters the game as a 29 point underdog. In my estimation, this is a serious, serious underestimate. By virtue of excess cheating*** BYU will be forced to play up against their own goal line a couple of times, resulting in Craptastic’s only points.
Final Score: BYU 103, USU 4

*This is also a rough estimate of the number of geezer BYU fans with big guts, unnaturally small waists, and “Lavell for President” hoodies who will be in attendance.
**A common way of assuaging their guilt will be to repeatedly emphasize how the game is being played on Friday, so as to not interfere with General Conference. This demonstrates clearly that BYU is morally superior, and thus not subject to recruiting ethics or other nonsense.
***BYU is historically known for having lots of penalties. The Aggies are not known so much for “lots of penalties,” but rather, “lots of stupid penalties.”

The dream season is over.

Second year in a row that Idaho did us in.

This is just getting stupid. Three consecutive horrible losses, and my Gags move no closer to the coveted No. 1 ranking. I should certainly think that losing by 48 points at home to an in-state rival isn’t sufficient for a bump up. Being featured in the upcoming Pillow Fight of the Week is only of minor comfort.

As a side note, I cannot fathom how UCLA didn’t make it after their tragic weekend.

A fair amount of attention is given to the college football situation in Los Angeles. Because I attended Craptastic State University (during football season, anyway), I don’t pay as much attention as some, but I’ve nevertheless become a strong USC hater and a mild UCLA fan. Some of my friends and coworkers attended USC, so I have to put up with their constant smugness during the fall. Some weeks are worse than others.

This is definitely one of those weeks. Perhaps the only thing in the college sports world I like less than USC is BYU. This is no coincidence–fans from both schools are among the most obnoxious, arrogant, and insufferable in the world. So what happens when my local team, UCLA loses 59-0 to BYU? I get the following statements from my colleagues:

“The combined loss margin in all of USC’s losses since Pete Carroll became coach is probably less than that!*,”

Followed by,

“You could make a strong argument that USC is statstically undefeated since Pete Carroll arrived.”

*Actually, I did a quick check, and this is NOT true. Actually, the combined point differential in all of USC’s losses since 2001 is…wait for it…wait for it…59.

The odds-makers lack my faith in the Gags. USU easily outdid the 24-point spread, losing by a slick 48 points.

I tell you, I’m frustrated. After a 42-point loss last weekend, I don’t know what more the Gags can do to move toward the top of the Bottom 10. No change from the No. 6 spot.

Says the backup quarterback for Oregon:

“It felt like high school all over again.“

Oh, that is just too good.

The dream season of 0-12 is still alive, and USU got a few hundred thousand $$ out of it. All they had to give up was a week’s worth of practice and the dignity and self-respect of of 22 young men.

An up-to-the-minute accounting of exactly how badly Utah State University sucks at football. The list contains the full schedule, with (hopefully) a new “L” appearing each week, along with the odds for the upcoming game.