An Insult to Turkey Bowls
I had the temerity to raise my hand in Elders Quorum last Sunday and ask if anyone was interested in putting together a Turkey Bowl on Thanksgiving Day, and so was naturally put in charge of the event. I forgot about this responsibility almost as soon as it was given to me (in keeping with my General Theory of Elders Quorum Responsibility Forgetfulness), and didn’t give it another thought until Tuesday afternoon when I got an email from someone in the EQ asking about the game and if anyone was planning on playing. Repenting of my sloth, I drafted a note about the game and sent it to the EQ email list.
By the time the game was supposed to start–yesterday morning at 8:30am–it was clear that the number of hands who had expressed interest in playing was a gross overstatement of the number of people who were actually willing to show up and toss around the pigskin. We waited 30 minutes or so past the scheduled starting time, and finally managed to scrounge up 6 players, myself included. We all stretched out, the hardcore footballers put on their cleats, and we staked out a shortened field since our numbers were so few, and no one really wanted to run much anyway.
Thus went the Harbor Hills Ward Elders Quorum Turkey Bowl 2009: The Armpit of All Turkey Bowls:
Play 1:
My quarterback drops back to pass, I fake left, then cut right, and QB hits me in stride for a perfect touchdown pass…yeah, not really. What actually happened is my whole “cut right” thang didn’t go to swell, as my running shoes gave way on the dew-soaked grass and I bit the turf. The ball flew right into the hands of the guy defending me, who returned it for an easy touchdown. We get the ball back immediately, with our pride stung but still intact.
Play 2:
Our QB, having learned not to trust me, throws to the other guy this time, who makes a great snag on a slightly overthrown ball. After hauling in the pass, his momentum causes him to lose balance, and a slight push from his defender (“touch” football) sends him to the ground, landing on his shoulder and tearing a ligament. The following 15 minutes cannot be described here, because they were rated R for mild profanity and crude humor at a wounded man’s expense. With the injured player needing a ride to the hospital, we lose two players, and with only four remaining, decide to call it a day.
So, let’s recap the important statistics:
Harbor Hills Ward EQ Turkey Bowl, 2009
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Time: 4 minutes
Plays: 2
Turnovers: 1
Season-Ending Injuries: 1
Injury-Induced F-Bombs: 8 (approx.)
If you can top that for sheer suckitudeness, I salute you, and encourage you to leave your story.
Note: I realize, after a few people have responded to me about this post, that I need to make it clear that the F-bomb count was not MY F-bomb count. My count, smugly righteous as always, was 0.
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Simmons ain’t got nothin’ on Boz.
I am so disappointed there weren’t any cheerleaders at the game. The F bombs don’t bother me, but am very sorry to hear that the side entertainment was missing.
I have a fond place in my heart for turkey bowls, but I don’t actually go anymore. Several years ago I played in one, slipped on the wet grass and badly sprained my ankle. The injury came close to ruining my holiday season, and I vowed that that was my last turkey bowl.
And I’ve been true to my word ever since.
aaaaaand once again I’m pretty glad I don’t try to do this sort of thing.
Ah, Ben, where’s the fun in that kind of thinking?
Kevin, it’s time to lace up them cleats again.
We opted for a Turkey Trot this year, instead of me leaving my daughters and wife at home while I go (pretend to) play football. The Turkey Trot was a great alternative, although I did miss not getting a chance to play football.
I’m seriously impressed that someone felt so comfortable to drop the F-word at a “church function.” Wow — them’s guts!
Hunter–
I’ve never heard of a turkey trot before–what us that about?
As for the foul language, I doubt comfort had much to do with the fellow’s cursing; rather, it was the freak nasty way his shoulder was jutting out from it’s normal position.
I think a true Turkey Trot is a Thanksgiving Day race of 4-people running a 5K relay — and each team has to guess what their finish time is going to be. The team that’s closest to their guessed time wins. As for us, we just did an informal 5K run with friends and family.
Hunter–
I like that idea. Being a runner myself (or, at least in past days when I wasn’t a fat out of shape slob), I think that would be a great tradition to start for my family.
Scott-
This post made me laugh right out loud! Matt and his buddy Aaron tried to have the best of both worlds, Turkey Trot and Turkey Bowl. Unfortunetly they had the wrong time for the Trot and missed it, however, they did have 9 guys show up for the Bowl. THey had to back Aaron’s truck up to the fence and climb from it to the bleachers in order to have a field, but they managed! (it was kind of funny to see matt helping me over the fence, 8.5 months pregnant! everyone chuckled!) We did a Turkey Trott in Tx last year with JL’s fam. It was fun, would have done this year but….
I have to say I don’t blame the shoulder injury guy for using the F-bomb. I have had my shoulder tourn up, it is F-bomb worthy! besides the only word that is actually a sin for saying is God’s name. Everything else is just impolite in mixed company!
Better luck next year!
This year we actually got 40 people to a Turkey Bowl. So we had to break it up into 2 games on 70 yard fields. That said most were non-members and the sidelines were littered with beer cans… The only way you could tell this event was LDS coordinated was the large amount of BYU gear in the house. I will say this for the drinking non-members… They certainly seem to deal with the falls and pain better, well at least that day. I am sure Friday morning in those homes will be tough :u) Happy Holidays to you all. Fun post keep it going!