Dead Seriously.

(FYI–I’m a USU alum)

It will not be a battle in Logan tonight, as the BYU Cougars face a Craptastic State squad that is determined to prove it still deserves to be considered the planet’s worst college football team.

For many teams, the negative momentum from an embarrassing victory over Idaho would be carried further by the fact that this is a home game. However, for Craptastic State, this means nothing: I personally guarantee that there will be no more than a couple hundred* Aggie fans in the stadium, and those who are there will likely just show up to protest BYU’s apparent theft of a USU player while he’s on an LDS mission. Fear not, BYU players–these obviously misinformed protestors will leave before halftime, and you’ll be able to sit back and relax with a hard-earned sense of moral superiority for the rest of the game.**

BYU will score early and often, and probably won’t stop. Craptastic State, on the other hand, will realize midway through the opening kickoff that they have no chance of winning, and will opt instead to see how many “unneccessary roughness” penalties they can accumulate. After the 1st quarter, Captain Craptastic himself–head coach Brent Guy–will begin practicing his oft-repeated explanations: “We just made too many mistakes!” and “We just didn’t execute!” and “We just didn’t play 4 full quarters!” among others. He will not, however, mention that he is clueless as a coach, his talent is sub-sub-prime, and that the USU Intramural runners-up were victorious over his starters in a scrimmage last Wednesday.

As the 3rd quarter comes to a close, the USU Athletic Department will determine that another ticket price increase is just the thing to get more local fans into the stadium. Finally, in a good-faith effort to make sure that all the BYU fans will be home in time to get a good night’s sleep before General Conference, the 4th quarter will be cancelled.

My Prediction: Craptastic State enters the game as a 29 point underdog. In my estimation, this is a serious, serious underestimate. By virtue of excess cheating*** BYU will be forced to play up against their own goal line a couple of times, resulting in Craptastic’s only points.
Final Score: BYU 103, USU 4

*This is also a rough estimate of the number of geezer BYU fans with big guts, unnaturally small waists, and “Lavell for President” hoodies who will be in attendance.
**A common way of assuaging their guilt will be to repeatedly emphasize how the game is being played on Friday, so as to not interfere with General Conference. This demonstrates clearly that BYU is morally superior, and thus not subject to recruiting ethics or other nonsense.
***BYU is historically known for having lots of penalties. The Aggies are not known so much for “lots of penalties,” but rather, “lots of stupid penalties.”