Dead Seriously.

My wife just called to inform me that she was headed to Ikea with a friend. I am always a little worried about our budget, but few things terrify me more than the knowledge that my Scandinavian wife is headed to Ikea with someone who owns an automobile that will hold more discounted crap than our two-door POS. I’m confident that this little excursion will devastate our financial future–sorry about college, kids, but your Mother really needed a MOTORP.

However, on the bright side, this reminds me of an idea that I had recently. When I was a Boy Scout, there were badges like “Citizenship in the Nation“, “Wilderness Survival“, and the ever-daunting “Personal Management“, among others.* The problem with those merit badges, is that (in addition to the fact that they were mostly boring) they rarely had any application to reality. I mean, seriously–how many of you adults have ever actually had to sleep in a lean-to made out of tree branches you tied together? How many baskets have you weaved? That’s what I thought.

My proposal: A new merit badge for learning how to assemble Ikea furniture.

The reasoning is this–most young boy scouts will get married at some point, and the probability that their wife will make them buy Ikea stuff is basically 1, so this is a very applicable skill to learn as a youth.** The only question that remains is what achievements must be, uh, achieved to earn the badge. I suggest the following:

Ikea Basics (Do All):

1. Master high-speed surfing on the large Ikea shopping carts.
2. From any given starting point in the store, find the restroom is less than 15 minutes.
3. Demonstrate how a pair of cardboard tubes and a ball of twine can be used to secure a POÄNG to the roof of a compact sedan.
4. Demonstrate how to use that weird, two-headed, bent screwdriver.
5. Successfully exit an Ikea store without purchasing those delicious cinnamon rolls.

Ikea Furniture Identification (Do Both):

1. Describe the basic functions, optional color schemes, and non-sale price ranges for LAXVIK, BILLY, and BJÄRNUM.
2. Compare and contrast the relative differences in EKTORP, BEDDINGE, and KARLSTAD.

Ikea Furniture Assembly: Assemble ONE from each category:

1. Futons: GRANKULLA, CARROLL, or LYCKSELE
   
2. Tables: BJURSTA, NORDEN, or MELLTORP
   
3. Sofas/Sectionals: ARILD, KRAMFORS, or KORNDAWG
   
4. Beds: DALSELV, MALM, or ÅNES
   
5. Storage: BISSA, OMAR, or BJÄRNUM

Without question, the early days of my adult life would have been greatly improved if I had accomplished these basic fundamentals.

Any Ikea assembly success or horror stories out there?

UPDATE: THERE IS A BREAKTHROUGH IN THIS STORY HERE

*This one was really hard for me, because the man who was to approve my completion of the requirements happened to be my neighbor (he also happened to be a bank manager). I remember one of the requirements was keeping a budget for 90 days. I hereby confess that I did not do this. I simply waited until about the 87th day, and then made up the rest. My scout master Mr. Allred would most certainly take away my Eagle award if he were to read this.
**There is also a high probability that the young man will be poor. This event need not be unrelated to his other decision to get married.