Dead Seriously.

In the LDS Church, it is customary to give a newborn a blessing and “name” (just their, uhh, name) before the congregation* on or about the first Sunday of the month (Fast Sunday) after the baby is born. Typically, the father of the child performs this blessing, with the Bishop, as well as other individuals the family invites–perhaps relatives, close friends, etc.

I am blessing our baby girl this coming Sunday, and so I’ve been thinking about this issue a fair amount lately.

–I am a very private person, as is my wife, when it comes to family issues, and so a large part of me wants to do the blessing quietly in my home with no one else around.
–Even if the blessing is public, I still prefer less to more–how do you make a cut without offending people? (Mormons are so competitive…seriously)
–Home Teachers are common invitees, but not automatic. What if you dislike one of them (we love ours)? Can you invite one, but not the other?
–What about asymmetric relationships? In other words, what about those folks who think they’ll be asked, but are not? What if someone asked you to be in their baby blessing? Are you obligated to return the request?
–What about the post-blessing lunch? Are all folks invited? Or just those who traveled great distances (which means what, exactly? From outside the congregation? The State? The Religion itself!?!)?

When I blessed our first child, we were moving out of the congregation the following week, and since we were more or less the senior citizens of a student ward (very high turnover), there were only about 4 people we knew anyway. So, with Dad & Brother in tow, I invited all men with a name starting with “J” to participate–John, Jory, Jason, Jerome, etc**.

Since there is no set criteria–outside of holding the Priesthood and being “worthy” (no secret drug or porn habits, pay tithing, etc…), I’ve decided to create my own list of musts for anyone to be included in my blessing circle:

1. You never attended BYU, and neither will your children. Ever. Ever, ever, ever.
2. If you did attend BYU, then you must repent now, and actively cheer against BYU with all your heart, might, mind and soul. Forever. And ever. And ever.
3. You did not vote for Mitt Romney for President***
4. You did not harbor secret hopes and dreams that Mitt would be the VP selection
5. You know the capital of Finland
6. You can properly pronounce the first and middle names of my wife and two children
7. You confess that D-Will could run silly circles around CP3–any time, any place.

Meet these requirements, and consider yourself welcome!

*Sometimes this is done at home or in the congregation of a relative–say, for example, the congregation a person group up in and in which several family members still live.
**And my friend Dan, but it made for a better story to omit him above. I actually only know one person named Jerome. He lives in Finland, and his dad is a spy. Seriously.
***I’ll make an exception to this one if you can provide documentation proving that you actually–truly, deep down in your heart–liked his political agenda and weren’t just giddy about the idea of a Mormon in the White House.