Dead Seriously.

Is that an attorney or real estate investor in there?

Working a regular work day is a new thing to me. I was in school for so many years that it’s difficult to remember the last time I had to keep regular hours. While I dislike certain aspects of the lifestyle, I try to find humor and happiness in small things. One bright spot is the box of fresh fruit delivered by The Fruit Guys every Tuesday morning that my coworkers and I munch on all week. Another is the public restroom we share with several other firms who coexist with us on the 8th floor of my office building. It has very nice smelling soap in the dispensers and the stalls are slightly larger than most I’ve seen–comfort loos.

Recently, though, I’ve noticed something funny: Whenever I enter a stall, the occupants of the adjacent stalls (which are almost always in use) immediately freeze up–no sound (squeaks, rustles, grunties, flushies), no motion, nothing. Invariably, despite my later arrival, I leave first. Honestly, if I were to break open the next stall door, I’ll bet I’d find a middle-aged businessman in an Armani suit quivering atop the john in an effort to escape undetected. My coworker confirmed that he has also noticed this uncomfortable silence on the pot. Are we the only people who are not embarrassed by our use of a toilet? Do we not all go there for the same reason? Or should the privy be just that?

Today, upon entering an empty stall, I could feel the tension mount as the fellow through the wall on my right went into lock down and ceased all operations (breathing included). I tried to lighten the mood a bit with some humming and whistling–standard bathroom fare–but the man would not be moved. As the moments passed and the silence grew heavy I was almost overcome with the urge to bang my hands on the wall and yell “BOO!”. Probably would have scared the…wait for it now… crap out of him!